Empathy

Empathy is a form of deep compassionate listening – an experience that leaves a person with a sense of being really heard and understood.

Marshall Rosenberg, who developed Nonviolent Communication (NVC), describes the key ingredients of empathy as presence:- when we are ‘wholly present with the other person and what they are experiencing’. This quality of presence – when we are willing and able to ‘just be’ with another person – helps people touch deeper places in themselves. Empathy is about offering a compassionate presence to another – whereby we put ourselves into the place of another and sense or imagine what its really like for them, thus ‘empathy is stepping into another’s shoes while always remembering they aren’t mine’ (Gina Lawrie – NVC CT)

This stepping into another’s shoes and being fully present isn’t always something we find easy to do. So often, when we ‘listen’ to others we are not really deeply listening to the person right in this very moment but we have other things happening for us, such as thinking about;

• What the person said a few minutes ago
• What we will say to them next
• What we think they ought to do
• What we think their problem is
• What we imagine they are going to tell us next

Although this might seem like we are listening to the other person, as we are focusing on them, we aren’t really with them in a curious, caring, non judgemental way in this very moment. It can be a challenge to keep listening to another right in this very moment –and it’s so easy for us to get pulled back into what someone said previously, or  lost in all the details of the ‘story’ they are telling, or pulled forward into wondering what they are going to tell us next. However NVC helps us to practise staying present with someone and to keep a quality of deep listening by simply putting our attention on another person's feelings and needs. We keep listening moment by moment for any feelings and needs we hear a person expressing.

This might be obvious if a person is saying ‘I’m really fed up...no-one ever listens to me’ (so they are likely feeling frustrated and wanting to be heard). But it might be less obvious if a person is saying with agitation in their voice ‘What’s the point. I say things but people don’t pay attention so I’m not going to bother anymore!’’. Or they might be sitting their silently, huffing occasionally and going red.

All of these are still the expression of someone who may be frustrated and is longing to be heard. But some expressions are more obvious than others, and some people are more able to express their feelings and needs.

Empathy is largely silent and may be expressed in a compassionate look, an ‘uh – huh’, a kind nod or just pure silent listening. Empathy is not found in the words although sometimes words help us to check out or let another know we understand them. Then the words we reflect back are words that convey the feelings and / or the needs and longings we are hearing in the heart of another.

Of course when we guess a person’s feelings or needs it is just that – a guess. Only they know what’s going on for them and they are the expert on their own inner experience. It doesn’t matter if we guess ‘wrong’. By bringing a persons attention to their own feelings and needs, we help bring them away from their thinking or the story they were telling, so they can reach inside to connect with their own emotions and reactions. We are not trying to guide another person or change them in any way. We are simply being with them and supporting them in being aware of what really matters to them.

This process of offering empathy and compassionate listening is something we can learn to do on our own. NVC calls this ‘self empathy’ where we bring our attention and focus to ourselves and listen with kindness to the feelings and needs arising in us. Self empathy is a valuable tool to learn when we find ourselves triggered and upset by a situation or by the words of others. It offers us a way of really being in touch with ourselves and what we are longing for.

Empathy  from others

At times it can be challenging for us to bring this kind compassionate listening to ourselves. Sometimes we are too overwhelmed with judgements or in too much emotional distress to be able to do this; and then we require the support of another to provide this compassionate presence for us.

Ways of receiving empathy

Here are some ways you can receive – or give – empathy:

· Instant empathy – to ask for immediate empathy from someone go to Empathy Now. This website welcomes members to ask for – or if they wish, offer – empathy

· Empathy buddies or trios – if you would like to practise giving and receiving empathy then register your interest to form an empathy buddy with one person, or an empathy trio with two others. (Register your interest HERE. You can arrange between you a regular time where you agree to call and share empathy – or else agree that you can contact one another if you are struggling and in need of some empathy.

· Paying for 1-1 empathy – some of the trainers listed on this website offer 1-1 empathy sessions, either on the phone or in person.